Am I running out of the thing that makes me me? Like am I sitting here rotting away in bed, doomscrolling and wasting all this "untapped potential"? Or is the truth really that I don't have much shit going on and I'm not actually that interesting and I'm just hearing those thoughts now because the apartment is quiet enough to echo back my thoughts louder to me than usual? I'm hoping it's the latter but I'm not optimistic ngl.
Unfortunately, or fortunately -- since most of us are --, I, like you, am a member of the rat race. And as you all know, we are all running this race one way or another. Technically not "all" but enough of us. And I keep having this fear that I'm smack dab in the middle. Just averaging it out, like most people, and for some reason that unsettles me. Do I have a desire to be better than others? Does that make me a person who thinks he's better than others? Am I just competitive? Is that bad? It's fine when we compete in games and isn't this just one big game? But also, why can't I be content with what I have? It's a better life than some might have, right? And I'm aware of it... I should be grateful. Yeah... Appreciate what you have Nii. You're doing fine. You're doing great even. But it somehow feels inadequate. Not enough.
I wanted to move out of London for a bit, put myself in a new environment but that didn't happen how I was expecting it to happen (long story, don't ask) and I don't know if it's going to. Because everytime I hit the pause menu to try and think, the rules of the rat race pop up.
- Get a job & earn a salary
- Pay your bills
- Save what you can towards your goals (and a home... don't forget a home)
- Rinse and repeat steps 1 2 3 until you achieve said goals
- End race
These are the core tenets of the rat race and it is imperative that you follow them. You can abscond from the race of course but you must not have need for the benefits the rat race provides, aka money and all it comes with like health, food, safety, h'enjoyment. So you're either wealthy, homeless, or dead. Or living in some wonderful non-capitalist society that doesn't burden you with any of this, in which case, lucky you.
I, however, am not. And so as it stands now, I read these rules everytime I hit pause. And when I do, I come to the conclusion that I cannot just get up and do whatever the fuck I like. I can't just hop on a train and move to another country because I feel like. Who the fuck do I think I am? I have to make money because I want to own a home, or live in one. I want a soft life for my partner. I want to have kids and leave them something too, so they don't have to play this damned game forever either. I also want to enjoy life, because I swear to God that's the only way I can keep running this race.
And so now I feel stuck. Because if I make the decision to do what makes me happy, and just get up and do whatever the fuck I want, I put all these other goals at risk. I'll likely sit lower on rung of the leaderboards, which is a big NO-NO because I'll be forced to play this game for much longer, maybe until my death. I think the fuck not. See, there's hidden mechanics in the game, and one of the most important ones is that of Compound Interest. Compound Interest, dear reader, is one of the mechanics of the game that might allow you to end your run earlier than normal. And if you fail to capitalise on the function of time against your invested money, you're looking at either a marathon, or a miracle. And I don't want that. The marathon I mean. I'd love a miracle, but I'm pessimistic about my odds. If I do sacrifice my happiness however, how will I keep running this race?
I have no clue yet, as of the time of writing, how to solve this catch 22. I'm probably going to mash some combination of buttons into the pad and hope for the best soon, but one thing is for certain, I'll still be in this rat race. Maybe one day I'll be La Gran Rata. Maybe not. Most likely not, let's be serious here 😂. And most likely none of us reading this will. It's just one of the many carrots on a stick the game dangles in front of us. And since we won't be, I must follow the rules as they have been laid out to me. Best of luck on your race too 🐀💨